1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
%
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
%
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
%
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2)
%
43% of all statistics are made up.
%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
%
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
%
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
%
Four minus two is one and the same.
%
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
%
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV"
%
.....If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
%
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
%
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%
5 schizophrenics agree!
%
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
%
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
%
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
%
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
%
A harp is a nude piano.
%
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
%
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
%
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
%
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
%
A penny saved is ridiculous!
%
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
%
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
%
All things are green unless they are not.
%
And now for something completely else...
%
And now for something completely the same...
%
And now for something ruder...
%
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
%
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
%
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
%
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
%
At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!' Then there was still nothing. But you could see it.
%
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
%
Bald: follicularly challenged.
%
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
%
Britannia waives the rules.
%
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
%
Bullets speak louder than reason.
%
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
%
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
%
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
%
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
%
Can I speak to someone higher up the food-chain please?
%
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
%
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
%
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
%
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
%
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
%
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
%
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
%
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
%
Confucius say: Man who meows ate pussy!
%
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
%
Converse with any plankton lately?
%
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
%
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
%
D.A.M. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
%
Dain Bramaged.
%
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
%
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
%
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
%
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
%
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
%
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
%
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
%
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
%
Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!
%
Do fish get thirsty?
%
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
%
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
%
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
%
Do not put statements in the negative form.
%
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
%
Do vampires get AIDS?
%
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
%
Does killing time damage eternity?
%
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
%
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
%
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
%
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
%
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
%
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
%
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
%
Don't read everything you believe.
%
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
%
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
%
Don't use no double negatives.
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
%
Down with ignurance!
%
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
%
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
%
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
%
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
%
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
%
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
%
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
%
Famous last words - You and what army?
%
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.
%
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
%
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
%
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
%
From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
%
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
%
Guns don't kill people... death does.
%
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
%
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
%
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
%
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
%
He who laughs, lasts.
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
%
Help!  I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
%
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
%
Hi!  I can't remember your name either.
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
%
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
%
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
%
I'm not as dumb as you look.
%
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
%
I'm not even going to ignore that.
%
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
%
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
%
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
%
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
%
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
%
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
%
I've seen the future. I can't afford it.
%
I always get my muckin words fuddled.
%
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
%
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
%
I bet you I could stop gambling.
%
I can resist anything but temptation.
%
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
%
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
%
I couldn't care less about apathy.
%
I get mail........ I exist.
%
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
%
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
%
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
%
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
%
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
%
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
%
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
%
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
%
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
%
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
%
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
%
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
%
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
%
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
%
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
%
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
%
If it glows don't touch it!
%
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
%
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
%
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
%
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
%
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
%
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
%
If you're happy and you know it, clunk your chains.
%
If you can't be good, be careful.
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
%
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
%
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
%
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
%
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
%
Imagery is All In The Mind.
%
Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality
%
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
%
In war there is no substitute for victory.
%
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
%
Inertia makes the world go round.
%
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
%
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
%
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
%
Is it possible to feel gruntled?
%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
%
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
%
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
%
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
%
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
%
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
%
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
%
Justice: A decision in your favor.
%
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
%
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
%
Know what I hate?  I hate rhetorical questions!
%
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
%
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
%
May the Porsche be with you.
%
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
%
Me know gammar.  Me cood use it gud.
%
Memory is a thing we forget with.
%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
%
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
%
Murphy was an optimist.
%
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
%
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
%
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
%
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
%
Never eat yellow snow!
%
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
%
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
%
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
%
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
%
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
%
No sense being pessimistic.  It wouldn't work anyway.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
%
Not quite human any longer.
%
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
%
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
%
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
%
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken.
%
One tentacle, one vote.
%
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
%
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
%
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
%
Out of the mouths of babies does often come cereal.
%
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
%
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
%
Oxymoron - Military Intelligence
%
Palindrome isn't one.
%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
%
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
%
People will die this year that never died before
%
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
%
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
%
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
%
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
%
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
%
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
%
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
%
Question Authority, ask me anything.
%
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Read what I mean, not what I write.
%
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
%
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
%
Remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
%
Remember, if you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!
%
Resistance Is Useless!   (If < 1 ohm)
%
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
%
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
%
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
%
Round up the usual suspects!
%
Round, round, get around. I've gotten round!
%
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
%
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!
%
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
%
Save a whale, harpoon a fat person.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes!
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Science asks why.  I ask why not.
%
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
%
Set mode=Extremely verbose
%
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark..
%
Short people are vertically challenged.
%
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
%
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
%
Software means never having to say you're finished
%
Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
%
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
%
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
%
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
%
Space is big.  Really big.
%
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
%
Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems!
%
Spice is the variety of life.
%
Stamp out philately!
%
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
%
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP!  Park elsewhere!
%
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
%
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
%
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
%
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
%
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
%
Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target.
%
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
%
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away.
%
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
%
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
The first myth of management is that it exists.
%
The fish that escaped is the big one.
%
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
%
The gene pool has no lifeguard.
%
The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you.
%
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
%
The pendulum has gone full circle.
%
The polls show 8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree!
%
The road to success is always under construction.
%
The world is so big and so global now.
%
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
%
There's no future in time travel.
%
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
%
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
%
There will be no last bus tonight.
%
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
%
This tagline is SHAREWARE!  To Register, send me $10.
%
This tagline was created from many little letters.
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, supervise!
%
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
%
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
%
Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana
%
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
%
Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
%
To err is human, to eat Jello, is messy.
%
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
%
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
%
To err is human. To moo bovine
%
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
%
Todays subliminal message is "        "
%
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
%
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving.
%
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
%
Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.
%
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo
%
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
%
Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!
%
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
%
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
%
Veterinarians drive like animals.
%
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
%
Vulcans have less fun.
%
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
%
WAITER! there's soup in my fly!
%
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
%
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
%
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
%
Water + Malt + Hops + Yeast = Satisfaction
%
Wave to your neighbor, Word to your mother.
%
We'll give you piece de resistance and a tour de force
%
We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod.
%
We're lost, but we're making good time.
%
We are not a clone.
%
We are the people our parents warned us about
%
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
%
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
%
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
%
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
%
What do batteries run on?
%
What does ignorant mean?
%
What does this red button do?
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
%
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
%
Where does weight go when you lose it?
%
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
%
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
%
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
%
Why get even, when you can get odd?
%
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
%
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
%
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy
%
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
%
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
%
"Anyone who isn't using a CSS-supporting browser by now is clearly more interested in browsing the content with a stable browser, than in fussing about the appearance." (Alan J. Flavell)
%
"I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce." (Terry Pratchett)
%
"If you don't like having choices made for you, you should start making your own." (Neal Stephenson, In the beginning was the Command Line)
%
"It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. *No one* ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things." (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)
%
"Je kunt de band nog zo mooi plakken, als je de spijker er niet uithaalt, wordt het niks." (Klazien uit Zalk)
%
"Who's the more foolish? The fool or the one who follows him?" (Obi-Wan Kenobi)
%
Moronization: a form of acculturation where people are encouraged to anoint themselves with the supposed benefits of a technology without understanding the engineering (or lack thereof.) 
%
ScoutCode 1.4 Sx P++ I- SB- O+ V+ H++ SU E- A+ BMZ++ M C SNL+ IN+++ KP+ W SP+ AU RL+ SS+ K++ EH- KO++ G LS76 WS++ BSSk2+ SM- F+ PG+ MB+
%
"The font size chosen by the user as a comfortable default (1 em) provides more truly useful information about the rendering environment than all the resolution-sniffing, window-querying, "open-this-wide" logic you can throw at the problem. Between CSS em units for resolution-independence, and percentages for aspect independence[...], you've got what you need to do rich, dynamic  visual design that's highly degradable, maintainable, user-friendly, and fat-free!" (Todd Fahrner, The Amazing Em Unit)
%
begin  LOVE-LETTER-FOR-YOU.TXT.vbs|I'm a signature virus. Copy me!|end
%
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
%
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
%
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
%
A bird in the hand can be messy.
%
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
%
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
%
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
%
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
%
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
%
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
%
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
%
Born Again Virgin.
%
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
%
Castration takes balls.
%
Catholic girls, they never confess.
%
Celibacy is not hereditary.
%
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
%
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
%
Condom - external storage.
%
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
%
Cover your stump before you hump.
%
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
%
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
%
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
%
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
%
Elevators smell different to midgets
%
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
%
Familiarity breeds children.
%
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
%
God does not play dice.
%
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
%
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
%
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
%
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
%
God is love...  Love is blind...  Ray Charles is God!
%
Good girls go to heaven... but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
%
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
%
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
%
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
%
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
%
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
%
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
%
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
%
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
%
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
%
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
%
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
%
If it has tits or tires, there will be problems.
%
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
%
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
%
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
%
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
%
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
%
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
%
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
%
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
%
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
%
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
%
Life is only as long as you live it.
%
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
%
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
%
Love is grand.  Divorce is twenty grand.
%
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
%
M.A.D.D.:  Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
%
Man has his will.  Woman has her won't!
%
Marriage?  Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
%
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
%
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
%
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
%
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
%
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
%
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
%
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
%
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
%
One legged girls are pushovers.
%
Remember when safe sex meant not getting caught?
%
Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you.
%
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
%
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off!
%
Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind.
%
Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing.
%
She was another one of his near Mrs.
%
Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming...
%
Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched.
%
Tampons $1 a dozen! No strings attached!
%
To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
%
Two's company, three's the result.
%
Virginity can be cured.
%
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full!
%
Why do women wear a pair of panties and one bra?
%
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
%
Woman was God's second mistake.
%
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value...
%
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
%
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
%
Women, can't live with'em, can't shoot'em.
%
Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual?
%
"A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking." (Arthur Bloch)
%
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." (Winston Churchill)
%
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." (Doug Larson)
%
"All life's answers are on TV." (Bart Simpson)
%
"Being happy isn't always fun." (Fassbinder, Pre-Paradise Sorry Now)
%
"Freedom defined is freedom denied." (The Illuminatus)
%
"I'm not smart enough to lie" (Ronald Reagan)
%
"If the shoe fits, buy it." (Imelda Marcos)
%
"It hurt real bad." (John Bobbit)
%
"It is not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end." (Douglas Adams)
%
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" (Albert Einstein)
%
"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." (Mark Twain)
%
"The war isn't the war between the blacks and the whites, the liberals and the conservatives, or the Federation and the Romulans. It's between the clueful and the clueless." (an anonymous poster on cypherpunks list)
%
"There's someone in my head, but its not me." (Pink Floyd)
%
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." (Mark Twain)
%
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" (Yoda)
%
"Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!" (Kermit)
%
"We are on an irreversable trend towards more feedom and democracy - but that could change" (Dan Quayle)
%
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" (Steven Wright)
%
.....If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
%
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
%
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
%
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
%
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
%
A harp is a nude piano.
%
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
%
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
%
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
%
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
%
A penny saved is ridiculous!
%
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
%
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
%
All things are green unless they are not.
%
And now for something completely else...
%
And now for something completely the same...
%
And now for something ruder...
%
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
%
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
%
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
%
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
%
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
%
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
%
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
%
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
%
What do batteries run on?
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
%
Where does weight go when you lose it?
%

%
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
%
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
%
"C++" should have been called "D"
%
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
%
$$$ not found --  (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
%
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
%
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
%
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
%
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
%
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
%
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
%
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
%
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
%
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
%
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
%
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
%
Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
%
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
%
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
%
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
%
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
%
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
%
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
%
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
%
Buy a Pentium III so you can reboot faster.
%
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
%
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
%
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
%
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
%
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
%
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
%
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
%
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
%
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
%
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
%
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
%
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop.
%
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
%
Database administrators do it with their relations.
%
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
%
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
%
Disks travel in packs.
%
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
%
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
%
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
%
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
%
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
%
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
%
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
%
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
%
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
%
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
%
Features should be discovered, not documented.
%
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
%
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
%
H lp!  S m b d  st l  ll th  v w ls fr m m  k yb  rd!
%
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
%
Have cursor, will curse.
%
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
%
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
%
Hello, I am part # !|* ||***| | * *** *| |||* |*
%
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
%
How long will a floating point operation float?
%
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
%
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
%
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
%
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
%
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
%
Invalid thought detected. Close all mental processes and restart body.
%
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
%
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM...
%
It's only ones and zeros.
%
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
%
It did what?  Well, it's not supposed to do that.
%
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
%
It works better if you plug it in.
%
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
%
Linux, the choice of a GNU generation.
%
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
%
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
%
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
%
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
%
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier.
%
My computer has a terminal illness.
%
My Go  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's!
%
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
%
My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
%
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
%
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
%
None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
%
NUMBER CRUNCHING:  Jumping on a Computer.
%
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
%
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
%
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
%
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DELETE> to continue.
%
Press all the keys at once to continue...
%
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
%
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
%
Programmers do it in loops.
%
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
%
Programming is an art form that fights back.
%
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
%
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
%
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
%
Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
%
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
%
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
%
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
%
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
%
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
%
Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface...
%
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
%
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s}
%
Tilt your chair back, your breath is effecting my RAM!
%
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
%
UART what UEAT!
%
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
%
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
%
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
%
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
%
Variables won't; constants aren't.
%
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
%
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
%
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
%
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
%
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
%
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
%
WYGIWYD -What you got, if what you deserve.
%
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
%
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.
%
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates '81)
%
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." (Bill Gates)
%
"Keyboard?  How quaint!" (Scotty)
%
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" (Obi Wan Gates)
%
"The importance of using the technology in the right way has never been more clear than now." (Bill Gates)
%
'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove al doubt.
%
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
%
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.
%
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
%
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
%
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
%
A library is an arsenal of liberty.
%
A pessimist is never disappointed.
%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%
After things go from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
%
All generalizations are bad.
%
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%
All the easy problems have been solved.
%
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
%
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
%
Am I really seeking answers?
%
An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
%
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
%
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
%
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
%
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
%
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
%
Black Holes are Out of Sight
%
Bliss *IS* ignorance
%
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
%
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
%
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
%
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
%
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
%
Clones are people two.
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
%
Common sense isn't...
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Conformity obstructs progress.
%
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
%
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
%
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
%
Couldn't myself have better it said.
%
Diplomacy: The ability to let someone else have your way.
%
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
%
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
%
Don't let school interfere with your education.
%
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
%
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
%
Eschew obfuscation.
%
Every purchase has its price.
%
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
%
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
%
Evolution is a harsh mistress.
%
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
%
Fact is solidified opinion.
%
Facts are stubborn things.
%
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
%
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
%
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
%
Forgiveness is easier to get than permission
%
Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
%
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
%
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
%
If it's not worth doing well, it's not worth doing.
%
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
%
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
%
Ignorance can be cured.  Stupid is forever.
%
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
%
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
%
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
%
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
%
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you!
%
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
%
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
%
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
%
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
%
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
%
Question _your own_ authority.
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
%
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
%
The mind is like a parachute - it works only when open.
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.
%
Tis better to be hunter than hunted.
%
Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
%
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
When in doubt, think.
%
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
%
Wit is cultured insolence.
%
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
%
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
%
You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
%
Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within
%