NewsPro Archive

September 2003

Relationship Paper (x-post) Posted Tuesday, September 9, 2003 by wlofie

• Slowing down lines of communication (I feel a need to lash out)
  
• Filters (Loving glasses)
  
  
  
  • Learning the meaning of words (Did you really mean that?)
    
  
  
• Pillow cuddle talk (Safe environment communication)
  

1. live
   This is Face to Face in real life, it's the fastest and probably best way to communicate. It transmits voice changes and emphasis on words, it transmits body language and facial expressions. But sometimes it's hard to use if you are shy or getting very upset.
   
2. Voice+video (internet)
   One of the fastest ways of communication, it doesn't show body language and lag can cause problems, but it does show most facial expressions and picks up most voice changes.
   
3. Voice+text(IM/Chat)(internet)
   Equal in speed to #2 but with easier possibility of transmitting links, and clarifying a bad "transmission" in the alternate media (poor sound then write it, IM/chat disconnections then say it. The lack of any video makes use of emoticons and the agreement of what they mean crusial for good communication, a humouristic tone can easily be mistaken for a hurtful sarcastic comment.
   
4. Voice (phone or internet)
   see #3
   
5. Video+text(IM/Chat)(internet)
   Slower than #1-4 but still pretty fast. It has video so facial expressions are "readable" which is good, but it lacks instead the nuances of voice.
   
6. Text (IM/Chat)
   This is one of the hardest media, one gets so used to typing and hitting enter, that it's too easy when upset to type in something hurtful and hit enter, and then it's too late. It is also hard to read text only with a "filter" (loving glasses). Here it is VERY important to ask if something seems hurtful.
   
7. Email
   One of the slowest medias, same downsides as with #6, but you don't have as much pressure to produce the text instantly to keep a conversation going. It can also easily be drafted, saved, take a long calming walk (or a cup of tea and a hot bath or a long gymsession, what ever) and then returned to to be re-read and re-edit for ambigous hurtful paragrahps, it can be read by receiver the same way, without timepressure and with "down time" to calm down after eventual hurtful passages that came through.
   
8. Mail
   Probably the slowest form of communication (short of carrier snail (pigeon)).
   

• 1st day early on, read the email and spend the rest of the day calming down.
  
• 2nd day early on, respond but save the draft
  
• 3rd day (alt second day late) re-read the email, look for things that might be ambigous, hurtful, might be misunderstood, rephrase all these, if needed use one paragrah more to explain clearly rather than one less and risking misunderstandings.
  
  Be clear, read it as a stranger would, read it as a non-native speaker would. Don't assume that someone has the same values attributed to a word that you have.
  

Read every sentence once, did it look hurtful to you? Then read it again!

Does it still look hurtful? 

Remind yourself the person on the other end loves you and means you well.

Now read it again!

Does it still look hurtful, upsetting or angering?

ASK, "to me it seems that you are saying "rephrased quote back to sender" 

EXPLAIN "i can only seem to read this in a way that is hurtful/angering/upsetting, 
please help me understand how you mean it"

Now read the explanation, now read the message again or if a 
revised message is the explanation then read that instead.

Is it still hurtful? REPEAT ABOVE alt slow lines of communication 
or ask for a snuggle pillow talk!!!

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